getting worse getting better, by connectivity memory model (2024)

1.

how do they do it they always have something to saybut i can't even find my voicemy tongue's just a leaf that the wind blew awayfrom the tree of self-expressive noisewell most of the time i think that i deserve thisbag of nails inside my headi put too much effort into being effortlessuntil i just spend all my day in bedi don't feel like i woke upjust fell asleep in reversei have to ruin these songs just to clear up my mindcause i don't know what else to dothere's so much sadness and joy that i could sing aboutbut for some reason i just can't seem to get it throughbadly chosen wordsa badly worded choicemy vision slowly blursjust wanna grab these wires and chordsand plug into my brainsee the angels changefrom muses with black eyesinto pilesof darkly floating chainsthey keep the moon in cageand i am left deprivedof all my screamsi feel like i'm justcreaking like arusty old doori have so muchon my mind butso little to think ofi'm trying to find the words that sound better reversedgoing in reverse trying to find myselfi never moved an inch from hereso where did i go

2.

i'm not important... hell yeah!!!this is not sarcasm, i feel freeeeeei want to forget how to feel badbut i don't want to forget how it feelseven when i... i feel so finei can't even finda reason whyit's just good to be alivejust chilling outof my mindnot a worry in sight and all of my friends... and then i caught... i caught myself smilingi didn't realize that i wasonly when i don't feel like myself, that's mesometimes i don't even want to be happybut i amsorry that i... i feel so finei can't even finda reason whyit's just good to be alivejust chilling outof my mindnot a worry in sight and all of my friends... all of my friends, all of the time, all of my friends, all of the time, all of my friends, all of the time, all of my friends, all of the time and i... i feel so finei can't even finda reason whyit's just good to be alivejust chilling outof my mindnot a worry in sight and all my friends want... and i... i feel so finei can't even finda reason whyit's just good to be alivejust chilling outof my mindnot a worry in sight except all my friends want to die

3.

i wish i had a song to sing i wish i wasn't boringi wish my nails stopped growing i wish i wanted somethingbut i don't work that wayi don't work that wayi wish the sun would never risei wish i had sex before i diei wish a lot of things and then i sighcause wishes are nothing but wasted timecause life doesn't work that waydoesn't work that wayi won't know what to saywhen you run awayi won't know if i should stayor followyou leave me so afraidevery f*cking daybut don't worry it's okayit's not your fault"you were born that way""it's all just in your brain""you're the one to blame" "you're making up the pain""stop playing the prey""like last time you'll fail""you're worthless anyway"that's what they say

4.

hellohow are you i'm finehow are you it's been quite some timehow are youhow have you beenhellohow are you i'm worried how are you my memories are so blurryhow are youi saw you in my dreamweather's been crazy since you've been gonenow there's snow on the sunhellohow are you i wonderhow are you why didn't we talk longerhow are youwhy don't we nowhellohow do you feelare you awake or lying stillhow are youtalk to me somehowseasons change daily since you've been gonenow you're snow on the sunmelting away from pictures i foundof youand drawings you drew of wynter moon

5.

when you stand and when you walkwhen you listen when you talkwhen you wake and when you fall asleepwhen you smile and when you grievewhen you buy yourself a drinkwhen you don't celebrate halloweeni'd write you a lettercause you like them betterthan pixels on a screenfrozen into "seen"though i don't know whetheri can still rememberour inside jokes and memesplatypuses and dolphinswhen you walk and when you standwhen you talk when you listenwhen you sleep and when you stay awakewhen you grieve and when you smilewhen you drink and when you buysome flowers to put them on his gravei'd write you a lettercause you like them betterthan pixels on a screenfrozen into "seen"though i don't know whetheri can still rememberour inside jokes and memesplatypuses and dolphinsthen i'm thinking of you

6.

my mind is the cemetery of your thoughtsmy head is where you bury all your doubtsand your fears and discomfortfrom time to time you come to me, let's have a talkyou're just desperate for somebody to give a f*ckwell there's room for you in this coffinso go ahead, speak your mindi'm listening, we've got all the timei'm so glad you made me a part of your lifesharing pain is easyi know, i know nowi don't want you to ask me if i'm fineyou never do anyway, but i'd denythat it hurts, to speak the truth i'll never show you the songs that i writefor you cause you would never get it rightain't that true,,, ain't that true... so go ahead, speak your mindi'm listening, we've got all the timei'm so glad you made me a part of your lifesharing pain is easyi know, i know nowthis friendship is nothing but an illusionand now i think i'm having delusionsso what the f*ck you want from me

7.

i am feeling so alonebut i can hug myselfsitting pretty comfortablywrapped up in a blanketwatching comedy shows on my pci'm feeling finei think i will make myself some friesi don't need companyi am used to iti know how to give myself a treatand have a good timeall without having to socializeso what is this feelingsomething is missinga sense of pridecause my self-justifiedself-care feels like a chorea sense of lovetowards myself to be enoughset ways to feel right on my ownwell nowi am feeling so alonebut i can hug myselfi am feeling so alonebut i can hug myselfdressed up in a garbage baglike a ghost i poked some holes init i did my make up drew black circlesaround my eyestime to haunt my laundry on the floormake sure i'm staying hydratedas i dance while i am holdingmy guitar singing my bioniclesa lullabytime to launch my boundaries through the doorbut boo they bounce right backscreaming that i lacka sense of pridecause my self-justifiedself-care feels like a chorea sense of lovetowards myself to be enoughset ways to feel right on my ownso that wheni am feeling so alonethen i can hug myselfi am feeling so alonebut i can hug myself

8.

my hair is underwateri'm drowning underneathi just washed it and at times like theseit remains under the waterunderwaterit floats as i walkit looks pretty stupidi'm drowning underneathshould i get a new haircut?i cut my hairdid you think it might change anything at all?of course it didn'twhat did you think?i'm still drowningi'm still the samei'm still the samewho you tryna look good for?who you tryna look good for?i sweari swearjust myselfonly for myselfwho you tryna look good for?who you tryna look good for?i swearjust myselfi swearonly for myselfwho you tryna look good for?i swearjust myselfwho you tryna look good for?i swearonly for myselfwho the f*ck am i?

9.

i'm only hearing what i want tothough i don't know what i wanti fit the stereotypea genderless boy in a dreamshifting responsibilitiesguilt-f*cked grown manchildholographic mirror imagedistortion and fingerprintsi don't see myself, i imaginebut all that's there is all i hateshut the f*ck up, that doesn't make sensethat doesn't even make any sensei can't make sense of what i'm feelingi talk nonsense, i'm a nuisance, shut the f*ck up gabjust shut the f*ck uptry to fit input your feet inthe shoes that were made for youout of habit, out of roles, out of customs, and baseless expectations, and misinterpretations of various religious imaginations giving ways to all kinds of traumas and psychological issues carried throughout generations, and out of coping mechanisms, and out of human nature, and other horrorsthe shoes that were made for you by child laborers (i hope that's metaphorical)just cut your hair already and learn some mannersman, man-errsah, my toes are bleeding... as you'll grow olderyou'll grow moldableyou'll grow more and moreaccustomed to moldhorroristic mirror imageself-diagnosed depressionno, i don't do that, i'm just feeling depressedand that makes a huge difference i can't say that i can't help itbecause i can, or at least i couldbut i don't even think i want tobut yeah, if i did, i totally couldnow about anxietyi still blame societythere, i said the s-worddo you think i'll ever changeyou say that i don't need to changejust "adjust my principles"as you'll grow olderyou'll grow moldableyou'll grow more and moreaccustomed to moldgrowing on your walllearning to ignorelosing your holdover your soul

10.

11.

last night i curled upinto a ballthen i silently freaked outcause it was way too uncomfortableto fall asleep like thati cried myself to waking upbody all sweatyhair is a messbreathing is heavybut i dreamt nothingone day i went for a walk to clear my headwhen i got back, i wasn't feeling any betterstill a mess, and even more confused insteadstill don't know what to do with my futuretoday i lied downto the kitchen floori had a look aroundi still don't know what forand then i got upnow i'm lyingon a small city hillwith stars above me tryingto figure out how i feelbut i'm just ...

12.

feeling kinda worthless but still kinda happythese days i've been quite depressed but i'll be fine probably i'm thankful for my friendsbut i hope they understandi need some time to be alone every now and thento think, to be sad, to get better andto learn not to hate myself that's the worst sh*t i've ever felt i'm not too good at writing but i'm trying my bestto express how i feelcause i don't know how to deal with emotions that make me think i'm useless but stilli'll try, and if i fail i'll keep trying untili learn not to hate myself that's the worst sh*t i've ever felt i'll learn how to love myselfbut i'm going to need some help